When I tell you that I love you...
Please don't read into it too much, for you may sink too deep
Don't take it as an invitation, for your heart I will not keep
But you've left footprints in my soul that will never wash away
I'm almost certain of this after a couple thousand days
When I tell you that I love you
Just accept it as it is, just hear it, it's just so
I desire nothing but for you to know
Just hold it in your heart for a rainy day
Put it in your pocket, keep it tucked away
Use it when you need it most
Don't think about me, your heart's no host
When I tell you that I love you
Please just hear it and be done
You are not my only love...just the first true one
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
My soul is smiling
And I'm probably the happiest I've been in years. I don't know why, either, to be quite honest, except maybe the stellar realization that life is so much easier when you just roll with it. My stress levels these days are at all-time lows, I've lost a ton of weight (10 pounds) in the past several months, I look the best I've looked since high school, and my hair is absolutely fantastic. I'm mostly stoked about the hair thing, my life was nothing but a giant frizzball for the entirety of my adolescence.
I got a sewing machine from my dad for my birthday and I made myself a purse to take with me to work. I'm going to start putting my extra money towards sewing projects and plan on opening an Etsy eventually to try to make some money on the side. Mostly so I can save up for a bigger and waaay badder sewing machine.
I'm discovering that I truly enjoy living in this area, I love the lake, I love the way it looks when it snows, the absolute breathtaking beauty of spring, and I really love being so close to both sets of our parents. It's weird how things change when you grow up. And I find it really hard to think about moving away from Lucy's grave. It's crazy, I know, but my heart doesn't want to leave her. Her mom doesn't live here, and while her grandmother and aunts help take care of her grave, I just feel like I need to be close. Even the weed is hard to beat, not expensive high grade shit, but high grade cheap shit, lol. For once I find myself only wanting to leave for better business opportunities. I have too much here to want to leave it behind. And for the first time in years, I think I'm starting to love my life again.
D turns 27 on Saturday and we both have to work that night. Peh. I told him I'll buy him lunch wherever he wants before work. I'll bet it'll be Long John Silver's, lol. But that's alright, I really love their fish and shrimp. And clams...lol.
D and I collaborated on chicken soup for dinner tonight. His taste in spices is still slightly superior to mine, but give me a break, I didn't eat or cook meat for 3 years, so I'm a little behind, lol. I cook a lot lately, I discovered I really really enjoy it. I even love my job because I'm one of the bosses and I'm the mostveteran badass cook they have, so I get the kitchen. And I love working evenings, turning the evening shift from the shift that everyone used to hate to the one everyone loves is definitely a proud accomplishment.
I've been driving regularly for a few months and my car is about the most badass machine ever. I love it, even if it takes forever to defrost in the morning and blinds me on my way to work. Going for years without it made me really really appreciate it. It's such a fun car, though, and driving home from work is SO fun because I've been practicing taking the steep curve by the elementary school faster and faster. I have to be careful, though...damn school zone.
Anyway, I'm about to drop, and I have to worktomorrow night tonight. Maybe I'll be back later.
I got a sewing machine from my dad for my birthday and I made myself a purse to take with me to work. I'm going to start putting my extra money towards sewing projects and plan on opening an Etsy eventually to try to make some money on the side. Mostly so I can save up for a bigger and waaay badder sewing machine.
I'm discovering that I truly enjoy living in this area, I love the lake, I love the way it looks when it snows, the absolute breathtaking beauty of spring, and I really love being so close to both sets of our parents. It's weird how things change when you grow up. And I find it really hard to think about moving away from Lucy's grave. It's crazy, I know, but my heart doesn't want to leave her. Her mom doesn't live here, and while her grandmother and aunts help take care of her grave, I just feel like I need to be close. Even the weed is hard to beat, not expensive high grade shit, but high grade cheap shit, lol. For once I find myself only wanting to leave for better business opportunities. I have too much here to want to leave it behind. And for the first time in years, I think I'm starting to love my life again.
D turns 27 on Saturday and we both have to work that night. Peh. I told him I'll buy him lunch wherever he wants before work. I'll bet it'll be Long John Silver's, lol. But that's alright, I really love their fish and shrimp. And clams...lol.
D and I collaborated on chicken soup for dinner tonight. His taste in spices is still slightly superior to mine, but give me a break, I didn't eat or cook meat for 3 years, so I'm a little behind, lol. I cook a lot lately, I discovered I really really enjoy it. I even love my job because I'm one of the bosses and I'm the most
I've been driving regularly for a few months and my car is about the most badass machine ever. I love it, even if it takes forever to defrost in the morning and blinds me on my way to work. Going for years without it made me really really appreciate it. It's such a fun car, though, and driving home from work is SO fun because I've been practicing taking the steep curve by the elementary school faster and faster. I have to be careful, though...damn school zone.
Anyway, I'm about to drop, and I have to work
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Let me share with you
The story of my best friend.
I had just begun the second half of my sophomore year of high school when I met my Lucy (not her real name, but her nickname), one of three soulmates I have met, two of 6 feet that have made such deep footprints in my very soul that I shall never forget them. I don't think I will ever forget that day. I was making my way out to the portable classroom the choir met in for second period varsity choir class when one of my friends came bursting out the door and nearly tackled me in the parking lot. "There's a new girl! ...And she's ONE OF US!" KT screamed, overjoyed. "One of us" sounds a bit strange, but it was very important to the outcast kids at a small town high school. Curious, I stepped inside the portable building to lay my eyes upon the most beautiful girl I have ever met, even to this day. Shoulder length auburn hair, burning blue eyes, pale porcelain skin, and dressed in all black with a Ramones tank top. And in that moment, I met a human being who changed my life more than I could probably even begin to describe.
Lucy was a troubled kid like me. We both were plagued by psychological problems, though different disorders. She was bipolar and I was obsessive-compulsive. She had recently been released from a psych ward and her mother sent her to live with her grandfather who was a retired drill sargeant as a hope of calming her rebelious behavior. But she was so...beautiful. When she let you get to know her, when you got to dig below the surface, down to the core, you just fell in love.
Our friendship was an odd one, and it's hard to wrap your head around it if you weren't part of it. See, when Lucy moved in, I was dating my first love Brandon. I had a picture of him on the cover of my notebook and she spotted him right away, telling me he was cute. Well, I had been friends with Brandon's sister previous to our dating, and I have my suspicions that she was upset that I came over to hang out with him instead of her, so she set to making sure Lucy and Brandon met. And they did...and he fell in love. And so I lost my Brandon. But somehow, our friendship withstood such a blow and we became even closer in spite of it.
Lucy's mother gave up on the idea of her straightening out here, so two days after my 17th birthday, she was on a bus back to California with Brandon who managed to get a ticket as well. Our friendship became long-distance, but it seemed that we were even closer through the computer screen and telephone lines than in person.
I only saw Lucy maybe once a year if I was lucky after she went back to California, but we talked as much as possible and kept in touch via e-mail, messenger services, MySpace, and phone calls, but I was never closer to another friend. She knew my secrets, my fears, everything about me.
The last words I said to my best friend were, "I love you, too." She called me at the beginning of the summer of '08 just to talk. Her father had told her to stop talking to him until she got off the drugs, but she had been clean other than cigarettes and marijuana (which she had a prescription card for) for months. Her mom had kicked her out of the house, she had been living in friends' cars. But somehow, she was still optimistic, and she left the conversation on a good note. I never heard her voice again.
On July 3, 2008, her grandfather knocked on my front door and D went out and talked to him, then returned, all the color drained from his face. I was clueless as to what was going on, I wasn't even sure that was her grandpa until I finally got D to say something. "Lucy's dead..." were the words he finally uttered. And my world came crashing down and nothing has ever been the same. Lucy was hanging out with a new guy, someone her friends didn't know too well, and somehow pills came into the equation and she overdosed. He abandoned her body in a ravine and at 11 on the morning of July 1, she was pronounced dead. They flew her body here so she could be buried in the same cemetary as her maternal grandmother and we had her funeral on July 12. It was probably the hardest moment in my entire life, sitting right up there, knowing that my best friend's cold and lifeless body was in that shiny box everyone was weeping over. A part of my soul died with her and nothing has ever been the same.
I wish I could tell you it gets easier as time goes on, I wish I could tell you I don't cry anymore. But so far, the wound is still fresh, and while I can say I don't cry every day...I don't even cry every week, it still hurts just as much today as it did that horrible Thursday. I don't consider anyone (sans D) my "best friend" these days, and I'd honestly be satisfied if I never did. I loved her so much, I still love her so much, and I got to experience that bond and that love, and I'd be alright if I never did again. I don't know if I could take the pain of losing someone else the way I lost her. And you know, I'm completely okay with that.
I had just begun the second half of my sophomore year of high school when I met my Lucy (not her real name, but her nickname), one of three soulmates I have met, two of 6 feet that have made such deep footprints in my very soul that I shall never forget them. I don't think I will ever forget that day. I was making my way out to the portable classroom the choir met in for second period varsity choir class when one of my friends came bursting out the door and nearly tackled me in the parking lot. "There's a new girl! ...And she's ONE OF US!" KT screamed, overjoyed. "One of us" sounds a bit strange, but it was very important to the outcast kids at a small town high school. Curious, I stepped inside the portable building to lay my eyes upon the most beautiful girl I have ever met, even to this day. Shoulder length auburn hair, burning blue eyes, pale porcelain skin, and dressed in all black with a Ramones tank top. And in that moment, I met a human being who changed my life more than I could probably even begin to describe.
Lucy was a troubled kid like me. We both were plagued by psychological problems, though different disorders. She was bipolar and I was obsessive-compulsive. She had recently been released from a psych ward and her mother sent her to live with her grandfather who was a retired drill sargeant as a hope of calming her rebelious behavior. But she was so...beautiful. When she let you get to know her, when you got to dig below the surface, down to the core, you just fell in love.
Our friendship was an odd one, and it's hard to wrap your head around it if you weren't part of it. See, when Lucy moved in, I was dating my first love Brandon. I had a picture of him on the cover of my notebook and she spotted him right away, telling me he was cute. Well, I had been friends with Brandon's sister previous to our dating, and I have my suspicions that she was upset that I came over to hang out with him instead of her, so she set to making sure Lucy and Brandon met. And they did...and he fell in love. And so I lost my Brandon. But somehow, our friendship withstood such a blow and we became even closer in spite of it.
Lucy's mother gave up on the idea of her straightening out here, so two days after my 17th birthday, she was on a bus back to California with Brandon who managed to get a ticket as well. Our friendship became long-distance, but it seemed that we were even closer through the computer screen and telephone lines than in person.
I only saw Lucy maybe once a year if I was lucky after she went back to California, but we talked as much as possible and kept in touch via e-mail, messenger services, MySpace, and phone calls, but I was never closer to another friend. She knew my secrets, my fears, everything about me.
The last words I said to my best friend were, "I love you, too." She called me at the beginning of the summer of '08 just to talk. Her father had told her to stop talking to him until she got off the drugs, but she had been clean other than cigarettes and marijuana (which she had a prescription card for) for months. Her mom had kicked her out of the house, she had been living in friends' cars. But somehow, she was still optimistic, and she left the conversation on a good note. I never heard her voice again.
On July 3, 2008, her grandfather knocked on my front door and D went out and talked to him, then returned, all the color drained from his face. I was clueless as to what was going on, I wasn't even sure that was her grandpa until I finally got D to say something. "Lucy's dead..." were the words he finally uttered. And my world came crashing down and nothing has ever been the same. Lucy was hanging out with a new guy, someone her friends didn't know too well, and somehow pills came into the equation and she overdosed. He abandoned her body in a ravine and at 11 on the morning of July 1, she was pronounced dead. They flew her body here so she could be buried in the same cemetary as her maternal grandmother and we had her funeral on July 12. It was probably the hardest moment in my entire life, sitting right up there, knowing that my best friend's cold and lifeless body was in that shiny box everyone was weeping over. A part of my soul died with her and nothing has ever been the same.
I wish I could tell you it gets easier as time goes on, I wish I could tell you I don't cry anymore. But so far, the wound is still fresh, and while I can say I don't cry every day...I don't even cry every week, it still hurts just as much today as it did that horrible Thursday. I don't consider anyone (sans D) my "best friend" these days, and I'd honestly be satisfied if I never did. I loved her so much, I still love her so much, and I got to experience that bond and that love, and I'd be alright if I never did again. I don't know if I could take the pain of losing someone else the way I lost her. And you know, I'm completely okay with that.
So much changes over time
It's been a while since I last wrote, but I feel now's a good time to start again. A lot has happened in the past several months, between work and home, but I'll try to fill you in.
Let's start with J breaking up with his girlfriend, only to have her go off and mess with Dumbface for awhile until J got jealous and decided he wanted her back. A couple of months and he had his job transfer him to the store in the town where she had just started college and he moved out. And things have not been better, though I feared the worst. D got a part-time job with me to help cover the bills since his digital business has been on the slow side. D and I now have enough money to pay our bills on time (usually...but this is partially do to laziness, not necessarily money), eat fairly well, pay for our "vices" (cigarettes, Dr. Pepper, and cannabis, oh what vices), and buy all the neccessities, oftentimes with a bit to spare for goodies. I'm pretty amazed, to be honest, because J was working full-time while I was working part-time, but as close to full as I could get, and the overall household income was a LOT more than what it is now and somehow we are doing better.
Dumbface got himself into a lot of trouble and stopped hanging out here to keep the law off our backs, and then when that cooled down he and Eyesack starting taking a beginner's course in emergency medicine and haven't been around a whole lot. I can't say I don't miss them, but I'd definitely be lying to say that I don't welcome and embrace the peace with all my being. It's nice.
Two of our other friends, Pieman and Darkchick had been coming around a little more for a couple of months than they had been previously. Pieman had been having some real issues finding a job and Darkchick moved down here to be with him about two years ago, and still needs to get a driver's license of her own, so they've been holed up in his recently divorced father's house only really leaving to look for work. Well, Pieman's sister had just recently opened up a bar in town and just got an opening for a cook position, so he got it. As far as I know they're doing pretty well, but between work schedules for all of us and all, we don't get to see them a whole lot. Darkchick is having issues with this whole situation and is planning a trip home to clear her head. Hopefully the head clearing doesn't keep her away, she's the best thing that could've happened to Pieman.
My wonderful beloved boss and her family members were fired at work because of some stupid lies two girls told corporate. So since then, my hours have nearly doubled, and two days off is hard to come by. It's nice having the money, though.
Christmas '09 was probably the best to date, at least since hitting what the evil people seem to refer to as "adulthood". D and I finally were able to afford to buy presents for his family. We got his mom a set of Aqua Globes for her plants, his sister a mini tripod and scrapbook (she's in school for photography), and a set of wire shelves for his dad. I also got a little notebook and a purse hanger for my mom. And D used his Christmas money and bought us a Wii. It's probably the funnest thing I've ever owned.
Now we're in 2010, and so far so good. We'll just see.
Let's start with J breaking up with his girlfriend, only to have her go off and mess with Dumbface for awhile until J got jealous and decided he wanted her back. A couple of months and he had his job transfer him to the store in the town where she had just started college and he moved out. And things have not been better, though I feared the worst. D got a part-time job with me to help cover the bills since his digital business has been on the slow side. D and I now have enough money to pay our bills on time (usually...but this is partially do to laziness, not necessarily money), eat fairly well, pay for our "vices" (cigarettes, Dr. Pepper, and cannabis, oh what vices), and buy all the neccessities, oftentimes with a bit to spare for goodies. I'm pretty amazed, to be honest, because J was working full-time while I was working part-time, but as close to full as I could get, and the overall household income was a LOT more than what it is now and somehow we are doing better.
Dumbface got himself into a lot of trouble and stopped hanging out here to keep the law off our backs, and then when that cooled down he and Eyesack starting taking a beginner's course in emergency medicine and haven't been around a whole lot. I can't say I don't miss them, but I'd definitely be lying to say that I don't welcome and embrace the peace with all my being. It's nice.
Two of our other friends, Pieman and Darkchick had been coming around a little more for a couple of months than they had been previously. Pieman had been having some real issues finding a job and Darkchick moved down here to be with him about two years ago, and still needs to get a driver's license of her own, so they've been holed up in his recently divorced father's house only really leaving to look for work. Well, Pieman's sister had just recently opened up a bar in town and just got an opening for a cook position, so he got it. As far as I know they're doing pretty well, but between work schedules for all of us and all, we don't get to see them a whole lot. Darkchick is having issues with this whole situation and is planning a trip home to clear her head. Hopefully the head clearing doesn't keep her away, she's the best thing that could've happened to Pieman.
My wonderful beloved boss and her family members were fired at work because of some stupid lies two girls told corporate. So since then, my hours have nearly doubled, and two days off is hard to come by. It's nice having the money, though.
Christmas '09 was probably the best to date, at least since hitting what the evil people seem to refer to as "adulthood". D and I finally were able to afford to buy presents for his family. We got his mom a set of Aqua Globes for her plants, his sister a mini tripod and scrapbook (she's in school for photography), and a set of wire shelves for his dad. I also got a little notebook and a purse hanger for my mom. And D used his Christmas money and bought us a Wii. It's probably the funnest thing I've ever owned.
Now we're in 2010, and so far so good. We'll just see.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
An introduction to Colly's World
Hello! My name is Colly. That's not my real name, but I made this blog as a means to completely be myself...and to do that safely, I have to keep my real name hidden (so all you bitches who really know me, I'm like Spiderman and if someone reveals my identity, then Mary Jane's gonna get eaten by a penguin, and nobody wants that). I've got to be so secretive, you see, because I'm a great big pot head. I smoke A LOT of pot and it's a big part of my life, and it's just one of those things that's not quite legal yet, so gotta keep it on the d/l. Let's see...I can tell you I am very much a female...22 years old...work as a shift leader at a fast food restaurant. I live with my 26 year old boyfriend of almost 4 years, some call him D, so we'll just call him D here and our housemate, who we'll just refer to as J. The two who hang out here the most I'll refer to as the Reefer Twins as a pair, and Eyesack and Dumbface (really my nicknames for them IRL) separately. Eyesack is J's younger brother and pretty much my best friend. But alas, Dumbface has had to give up the green in hopes of finding a new job and moving out of his parents' house when he can be free to go green again, lol. I've got a pretty normal and boring family, a younger brother who is almost a high school graduate, a mom, a dad, two grandmas, and a cousin who is more like a big brother than a cousin to me.
Let's see...some stuff about me and us...we live in Small Town, USA... a one stoplight type of place with graduating classes averaging about 50 students. I didn't go to college, maybe one day, but I've had too much shit fucked up in my head to just jump right in like most do. I'm almost 100% positive I am obsessive-compulsive, but swore off therapists after my first and only visit with one. I'm also pretty sure I'm narcoleptic, but I can't afford to go to a neurologist to find out and my dad won't hear of any neurologist talk, so I won't be getting any help there. No biggie, I'm a big girl, I'm an adult, and I have the wonders of cannabis. I honestly picked up the pipe for the hell of it, just to try it, and for a long time, I was a social smoker, I'd toke every now and then, but then I realized that it really DOES help me function like a normal person. On top of the suspected narcolepsy and OCD, I also have extreme anxiety. It makes me a crazy fucked up mess and it really really sucks that the only thing I have to make me function like a productive member of society (which I very much am) is illegal. It sucks ass, and I'm definitely an advocate of legalization, so if you're anti-legalization, you better press your back button now.
My favorite past time is hanging out on forums...I've made a shitload of friends on one in particular and so even though I'm on my butt in front of a monitor, I'm a social butterfly on the keyboard, lol. I also like to play with and dote on my dog and all the cats that hang out here.
Anyway, that's me in a nutshell. Maybe I'll keep up with this blog for awhile, maybe not. We'll see.
Let's see...some stuff about me and us...we live in Small Town, USA... a one stoplight type of place with graduating classes averaging about 50 students. I didn't go to college, maybe one day, but I've had too much shit fucked up in my head to just jump right in like most do. I'm almost 100% positive I am obsessive-compulsive, but swore off therapists after my first and only visit with one. I'm also pretty sure I'm narcoleptic, but I can't afford to go to a neurologist to find out and my dad won't hear of any neurologist talk, so I won't be getting any help there. No biggie, I'm a big girl, I'm an adult, and I have the wonders of cannabis. I honestly picked up the pipe for the hell of it, just to try it, and for a long time, I was a social smoker, I'd toke every now and then, but then I realized that it really DOES help me function like a normal person. On top of the suspected narcolepsy and OCD, I also have extreme anxiety. It makes me a crazy fucked up mess and it really really sucks that the only thing I have to make me function like a productive member of society (which I very much am) is illegal. It sucks ass, and I'm definitely an advocate of legalization, so if you're anti-legalization, you better press your back button now.
My favorite past time is hanging out on forums...I've made a shitload of friends on one in particular and so even though I'm on my butt in front of a monitor, I'm a social butterfly on the keyboard, lol. I also like to play with and dote on my dog and all the cats that hang out here.
Anyway, that's me in a nutshell. Maybe I'll keep up with this blog for awhile, maybe not. We'll see.
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